“Never love too hard.”
That’s what my mother always told me.
“You can love someone, but never so fiercely that you forget yourself—because when they leave, will the air go out with them?”
I didn’t understand what she meant until I found myself changing—piece by piece, moment by moment—for a love that never truly belonged to me.
The Subtle Art of Losing Yourself
We all want to be loved. It’s human nature. But sometimes, in our desperation to be chosen, we start to erase parts of ourselves.
We tweak little things, thinking they don’t matter—until one day, we wake up and realize we are unrecognizable, even to ourselves.
I know this because I’ve done it.
I have replayed past relationships in my head, rewinding every moment, rewording every conversation, believing that if I had just been different, maybe—just maybe—I would have been loved the way I wanted.
But that’s the problem with love built on self-erasure: it was never meant to last.
The Little Ways We Disappear
I remember sitting in a dimly lit club when I first met him. My hair was tied up, my coat draped over my shoulders. He walked in, looking effortlessly magnetic.
Weeks later, between kisses, he told me, “I like you better with your hair down.”
Suddenly, that simple comment rewrote everything. Now, when I dream of that night, I picture myself sitting there—hair loose, cascading down—thinking maybe, if it had been that way, he would have loved me more.
And that wasn’t the only thing I changed.
- He once said my skin was soft, so I made it my best feature.
- He loved a certain type of music, so I memorized every song, pretending they had always been my favorites.
- I let go of my own quirks, my own preferences, my own self—all to fit into the mold of someone he might love.
But no matter how much I morphed, I was never enough.
When Love Leaves, Who Are You?
I wasn’t surprised when he left me.
Even in my dreams, I never saw him choosing me.
Every detail of myself never seemed to measure up to the woman I thought I should have been.
So, I kept going back to the beginning—reliving our first meeting—wishing I could change just one thing.
But deep down, I knew the truth: even if I had been “perfect,” it wouldn’t have changed the outcome.
Because love that requires you to erase yourself is not love at all.
The Lie We Tell Ourselves
For the longest time, I thought:
- If I wore different makeup, he would have loved me.
- If I changed my hair, he would have loved me.
- If I had just been anyone but myself, this relationship could have worked.
But now, I see the reality.
If a relationship can only survive by sacrificing who you are, it was never meant to last.
A love built on illusions will crumble at the slightest gust of truth.
The Moment of Realization
Now, I look back and thank the universe for unanswered prayers.
I used to romanticize my past relationships—rewriting them in my head, believing that if just one thing had been different, I could have had the fairytale ending.
But my greatest mistake wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough to be loved.
It was believing that I needed someone else’s love to feel whole.
Love Shouldn’t Cost You Yourself
So, here’s what I’ve learned:
- You do not need to shrink yourself to be worthy of love.
- You do not need validation from someone else to define who you are.
- You do not need to hold someone’s hand to feel less alone.
Because the air doesn’t leave the room when someone walks away.
You can close the door—and you will be okay.
My Mother Was Right
I will always remember my mother’s words.
I will love fiercely, and I will love greatly—because love is never a crime.
But I will never again let love consume my name.
Because before I belong to anyone else, I will always belong to myself first.