These so-called “city boys” or “fuckboys” are truly experts in disguise. They appear sweet, kind, and seem to have great intentions. They put on their “great catch” costume and lure us down what seems like the perfect path. But eventually, things always take a turn for the worse, leaving us wondering, “How didn’t I see I was dating an undercover fuckboy?” It’s these types of people who build up our walls after each failed relationship. They are the reason we carry so much emotional baggage into new potential connections. While there are various types of fuckboys, one thing is certain: they all share the same trait—non-commitment.
I’m currently in touch with one of these undercover fuckboys (we’re no longer dating), and despite his denial, every sign points straight to fuckboy-land.
How I Discovered My Undercover Fuckboy
Most of us have a clear idea of what we want in a relationship, whether we say it out loud or not. Personally, I’m upfront about my intentions from the get-go. When I asked this guy (back then I thought he might actually be different) what he was looking for, he said, “Ideally, I’d like to find someone to be in a relationship with.” We texted all day, every day. We went on countless great dates, enjoyed each other’s company, and I started to feel confident enough to ask the one question that typically scares them away: “Are you dating anyone else?”
And that’s when the first fuckboy sign appeared.
Go With Your Gut
His response was not reassuring. “I have/had a few friends with benefits, mostly exes that didn’t work out. I haven’t seen them in a while, but there’s one person who reached out, and they’re a bit intense. I check OkCupid every now and then.”
At that moment, my gut told me something wasn’t right. When we started seeing each other, he wasn’t dating or talking to anyone. Now, just a couple of months later, he’s juggling exes and casual hookups? That didn’t sit well with me, but I ignored it. I chose to believe the lies instead of the truth because, honestly, it was easier.
I over-analyzed that conversation and eventually gathered the courage to confront him and end things. At the end of one of our dates, as I was getting out of his car, I said, “I don’t think this is working. You’re seeing and sleeping with other women, and I want a real relationship. I think we’re wasting each other’s time.”
And then came the second telltale sign of a fuckboy:
You Start to Feel Crazy
He responded, “I don’t think you’re a waste of time, I enjoy our time together, and I like you. I don’t want you to feel like I’m using you, and I don’t want to hurt you. I think you misunderstood me.” That made me second-guess myself. I started thinking maybe I was overreacting, questioning my sanity. We had once shared such a strong connection—maybe I was just being dramatic. So, I told myself he was different and ignored my gut instincts.
But after that night, I didn’t hear from him for a week. When I finally texted him asking why he hadn’t reached out, his response confirmed my worst fears.
Ghosting
He texted back after a week, saying, “Hey, sorry, I’ve just been trying to figure things out. I don’t have time to date right now. I’ve been distant. I want things to be simple—not just with you.”
And there it was. Classic ghosting. He distanced himself and only reached out with random, late-night texts saying “Hi” or “How are you?” He reached out twice over the course of a few weeks at midnight, and that was it. Then, one day, he sent a message in the middle of the day, asking if I was free that week. His next message confirmed that the “good guy” disguise was officially off.
The “Good Boy” Disguise Is Gone
He texted, “Are you free this week? I’m ready for you.” I asked, “Ready for what? To date me?” His response: “Hmmm… like right now 😉.”
That was it. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was no longer pretending to be the guy who wanted a relationship. He was only reaching out because he knew I had once cared for him and wanted something more. But he wasn’t interested in that anymore. He only wanted one thing — sex.
And just like that, I realized I had been dealing with an undercover fuckboy all along.